1
00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:11,500
Ever wanted to be
the imaginary friend

2
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:14,233
of an idiot boy in
the west of Ireland?

3
00:00:14,267 --> 00:00:16,933
Me, neither, but there you go.

4
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:23,000
Allow me to introduce
Martin Paul Kenny Dalglish Moone.

5
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,400
Martin Moone was
a simple child,

6
00:00:26,433 --> 00:00:30,867
the sort of tender
boy who would care for a poor, injured chaffinch.

7
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:34,233
Or indeed
a deceased chaffinch, thinking it was injured.

8
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:38,133
You'll be back on
your feet in no time, Missus Magpie.

9
00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:42,067
Her breathing
is becoming faint.

10
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:44,567
All right.
Well, you know what to do, buddy, don't be shy.

11
00:00:47,433 --> 00:00:50,667
But according to the
school bullies, the Bonner brothers,

12
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,367
Martin was just a simpleton
who kissed dead birds.

13
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,167
Moone's shifting a dead bird.
You're such a gay.

14
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,267
No, lads, whoa!
That's not shifting. There was no tongue there.

15
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:02,067
You die now! - It's medical shifting!

16
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:03,533
Kung-fu!

17
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:05,633
Hit the gut! You get wedgie!

18
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,767
- Stop hitting yourself.
- Stop hitting yourself.

19
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:12,067
- I'm just a boy!
-Game over!

20
00:01:12,567 --> 00:01:14,700
Come on, chin up, buddy.

21
00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:17,233
Can't let
a little roughhousing dampen your spirits.

22
00:01:17,267 --> 00:01:21,367
Remember, tomorrow's your big
day. Things get way easier when you turn 12.

23
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,167
- Yeah. The big 1-2.
- That's right.

24
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,333
I bet they're right in there,
planning out your party as we speak.

25
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:31,067
I'm home!
Better hide my presents.

26
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:35,800
- Mum says you were a mistake.
- Not a... Not a mistake! An accident.

27
00:01:41,533 --> 00:01:44,433
* Dancing at the disco,
bumper to bumper

28
00:01:44,467 --> 00:01:46,700
* Wait a minute,
where's me jumper?

29
00:01:46,733 --> 00:01:49,533
* Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper?

30
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:53,067
* Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper? Oh, no *

31
00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:59,333
Well, that's a bad habit
he'll soon get over.

32
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:01,367
Particularly with
Blake going to prison.

33
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,733
Prison? What are you
talking about? - Haven't you read the Mirror?

34
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,100
What about
the Mirror?

35
00:02:06,133 --> 00:02:07,500
There's a front
page story...

36
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:21,367
What's that you're making?

37
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:26,400
It's, uh, your birthday present.

38
00:02:26,433 --> 00:02:29,333
Oh! And what's that?

39
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,967
- A cravat?
- And what's that?

40
00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:38,067
Oh, by the way,
I loved that outfit when I first saw it.

41
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:40,433
I'm amazed it's
lasted so many seasons.

42
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,833
Come on!

43
00:02:49,633 --> 00:02:51,600
I'm going down the bridge.
Can I have some money?

44
00:02:57,467 --> 00:02:59,500
Is that my nut?

45
00:02:59,533 --> 00:03:02,633
No, this is my nut.
I don't know anything about your nut.

46
00:03:04,633 --> 00:03:09,233
Dad, does Mum
have any cotton pads? - Like sanitary pads?

47
00:03:09,267 --> 00:03:12,200
Yeah, Dad.
I want to wipe off my make-up with a tampon.

48
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,267
It remains unclear how long Mr Keenan

49
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,500
may potentially
remain in captivity.

50
00:03:18,533 --> 00:03:19,967
I wish I was in captivity.

51
00:03:21,733 --> 00:03:25,867
Martin
embraced his great new age with optimism and gay abandon.

52
00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:28,633
* Happy birthday,
happy birthday *

53
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,533
Which he
abandoned very quickly. - A biro?

54
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,800
Cool. I don't have to finish
wrapping it now.

55
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:36,433
I already gave
you your present.

56
00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:40,167
- Yes, you did.
-Ta-da!

57
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:46,667
This had better be
vouchers, Fidelma. - It is. Sort of.

58
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:50,833
"I owe you one present.
Love, Fidelma."

59
00:03:50,867 --> 00:03:52,467
I always think
your birthday's in August.

60
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:55,067
So why don't you give me
what you got me in August?

61
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,067
I just did.

62
00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:59,767
And now for the main event.
Happy birthday, pal.

63
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,633
* Happy birthday,
happy birthday *

64
00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:05,267
No. Surely they haven't got you
something decent.

65
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:07,233
It must be
a bicycle-shaped sock.

66
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:09,100
Or a bicycle-shaped
toilet brush.

67
00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:10,767
Or a bicycle-shaped
kick in the arse.

68
00:04:11,967 --> 00:04:15,233
Wow! A bicycle-shaped bicycle!

69
00:04:15,267 --> 00:04:17,533
Don't get too excited.
It's only from Readybix.

70
00:04:17,567 --> 00:04:20,067
Shut your hole, Sinead.

71
00:04:20,067 --> 00:04:24,500
Yes! It's the Readybix bike!
Thank you! This is amazing!

72
00:04:24,533 --> 00:04:27,667
But how? You needed 50 tokens!

73
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:31,867
Well, let's just say
I hope you all like Readybix.

74
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:35,867
-Oh, no!
- I'm not eating that turf.

75
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:41,967
- Hi, Padraic.
- Whoa! A Readybix bike!

76
00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:45,133
Any chance
I could have a go on it?

77
00:04:45,167 --> 00:04:46,600
Faster, Martin. Faster.

78
00:04:52,267 --> 00:04:55,600
Hello, Mr Farmer.
Hello, Mr Farmer's dog!

79
00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:58,900
- Howdy, pigs!
- Hey, it's the Readybix boys.

80
00:04:58,933 --> 00:05:01,167
Give us some Readybix.

81
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:05,100
Eat our dust,
fantasy pigs. -

82
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,333
- Hey, Moone.
- Nice bike.

83
00:05:13,867 --> 00:05:15,333
Oh, balls!

84
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,333
- You cycled into a door?
- It just came out of nowhere.

85
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:30,167
It's wrecked, Martin.
How many times did you cycle into the door?

86
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,967
There were two doors.

87
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:38,200
- Which doors? Where?
- What really happened, Martin?

88
00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:40,800
This isn't the first time
you've banged into things.

89
00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:43,267
Do you remember you said
you fell into a tree?

90
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,333
That's not even possible,
is it?

91
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,867
Well, to be honest,
the bike fell apart pretty easily.

92
00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:50,567
There were no
structural problems with that bike, Martin Moone.

93
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,533
Was it those Bonner boys again?

94
00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:55,333
They've been giving him
a hard time at school.

95
00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:00,833
- Right.
- Where are you going?

96
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,967
Nobody bullies my boy.

97
00:06:06,067 --> 00:06:09,200
- Except maybe Sinead.
- You going to beat them up, Dad?

98
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,267
I'm going to go up
and speak to their father.

99
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:16,100
If it's a pleasant chat, fine.
If not, so be it.

100
00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:17,867
Oh, that's what
I'm talking about.

101
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:21,800
Well, nothing lifts the spirits
like a nice bowl of Readybix.

102
00:06:21,833 --> 00:06:23,567
Shut up.

103
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,533
- Hello there.
- Are you Mr Bonner?

104
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:35,633
- Gerry Bonner, yes, indeed.
- Right. Well, my name is Liam Moone...

105
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,067
Hello, Lee Moone.

106
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,100
Hello. Now, listen.

107
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,433
My son goes to school
with your boys and they...

108
00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:45,133
Oh, no,
they're awful, aren't they?

109
00:06:45,933 --> 00:06:47,267
- Sorry?
- I mean, I love them,

110
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:49,700
of course I do,
but they're awful.

111
00:06:49,733 --> 00:06:51,667
Let me guess.
Now, you've come over here today

112
00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:53,167
because Conner
and Jonner have done

113
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,167
something rotten to your boy,
am I right?

114
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,267
- They broke his new bicycle.
- Oh!

115
00:06:57,300 --> 00:07:01,433
They're awful bullies.
I'm so sorry, is he okay?

116
00:07:01,467 --> 00:07:03,067
Yeah, well, he's a bit
shaken up, yeah.

117
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:05,400
Of course he is,
the poor lad.

118
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,567
I don't know what to do
with them any more.

119
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,067
I mean, you probably
came over here now,

120
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,700
expecting me to be some
horrible, angry brute

121
00:07:11,733 --> 00:07:15,467
who bullies his kids, who
in turn go out and bully other kids, am I right?

122
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:18,267
- Well, kinda. Yeah.
- Well, I'm not.

123
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:21,067
I'm a good person.

124
00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:24,867
- You seem like a good person.
- Thank you.

125
00:07:26,867 --> 00:07:31,133
You seem like
a good person, too. - Thank you.

126
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:35,900
God, I hate
my kids.

127
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,467
I'm not too crazy about
my own.

128
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,633
They're awful,
aren't they? Children.

129
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:42,967
I mean, here we are,
two decent fellas full of compassion

130
00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:46,200
and willingness to love,
and what do we get in return?

131
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,267
Hassle.

132
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,367
See? You know.

133
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:53,367
Listen, there's
nobody in at the minute.

134
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,800
Do you want to come in
for a quick cup of tea?

135
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,200
Well, I don't know.

136
00:07:58,233 --> 00:08:01,300
You've the look of a man
who wants a cup of tea, now. Huh?

137
00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:06,133
- All right, then.
- Good man.

138
00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:07,700
Is that a hammer
in your pocket?

139
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:16,700
Let me guess. You were
planning to beat me to death with it, weren't you?

140
00:08:16,733 --> 00:08:18,600
- I was indeed.
- Bloody kids!

141
00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:21,767
- Ah!
- Did I say tea? I meant gin.

142
00:08:28,933 --> 00:08:32,433
Yes! Face!

143
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,200
Huh? Yeah!

144
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:39,300
Hey, buddy, how are you?

145
00:08:39,333 --> 00:08:42,567
- I'm good, Dad. How are you?
- I'm good.

146
00:08:46,833 --> 00:08:47,833
How are you?

147
00:08:49,767 --> 00:08:54,667
- So how did "hammer-time" go?
- Oh! Yeah.

148
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:58,300
Those Bonner brothers.
They sound awful.

149
00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:04,067
I'd steer clear of them if I
were you. All righty? Night-night, hairy head.

150
00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:14,233
I have a feeling
he didn't kill them. - Not a chance.

151
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:16,433
No, I think
you're out on your own in this one, buddy.

152
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,333
You know what you need?

153
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,200
- A bully protector.
- A rabid dog.

154
00:09:21,233 --> 00:09:22,733
Or a bully protector.

155
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,833
There was only one man
for the job, Declan Mannion.

156
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:31,333
Feared and
respected in equal measure, he was a bully's bully,

157
00:09:31,367 --> 00:09:35,267
and bought a degree of class
and innovation to the whole bullying game.

158
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,667
He invented
the Cambodian Burn.

159
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:38,767
Similar to
the Chinese burn...

160
00:09:39,933 --> 00:09:42,500
But with his
own unique twist.

161
00:09:42,533 --> 00:09:44,700
That's my John Hancock,
you sap cock.

162
00:09:44,733 --> 00:09:46,567
Wait.

163
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,967
He added an element
of witchcraft to the wet willy.

164
00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:52,067
- Why is my other ear wet?
- You've been hydronated, hombre.

165
00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:54,233
And sure, he'd take
your lunch money every Monday.

166
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:56,867
But he'd use that cash
to bet on greyhounds.

167
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,367
Come on, you one-eared bitch!

168
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,000
And if he won,
he'd return the funds,

169
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:00,067
And if he won, he'd return the funds,
without interest, every Friday.

170
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,367
without interest,
every Friday.

171
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,167
Here you go, Padraic.
Have a nice weekend.

172
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:06,767
Authoritative but
respectful tone.

173
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,967
Mr Mannion, could I have
a word?

174
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,633
What's troubling you,
Moone face?

175
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:16,033
Well, I'm having a little bother
with the Bonner brothers.

176
00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:19,167
Protection's a service
I provide. It's going to cost you, though.

177
00:10:19,933 --> 00:10:21,367
Cost me what, roughly?

178
00:10:24,933 --> 00:10:27,333
A feel of your sister's boobs.

179
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:30,333
- I'm sorry, what was that?
- A feel of your sister's boobs.

180
00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:31,633
Should have gone
with rabid dog.

181
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:34,400
Take it or leave it,
Marty McCry.

182
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,500
Seems fair.

183
00:10:39,467 --> 00:10:41,333
We have ourselves a deal, sir.

184
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:43,767
Leave me now.
Hounds won't pick themselves.

185
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:52,633
- One more thing. Which sister?
- Whichever one has boobs! You tit!

186
00:10:57,133 --> 00:11:00,400
Martin had never paid
much attention to his sisters' boobs before.

187
00:11:00,433 --> 00:11:03,533
But on weighing up their
assets, he cluelessly deciphered that Trisha,

188
00:11:03,567 --> 00:11:06,700
his most violent sister,
was best suited to Declan's needs.

189
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:21,100
With the dirty
Declan deal in place,

190
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:24,100
Martin approached his sister
with his favourite bribing beverage.

191
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:27,200
Hey, Trish!
Made you a cuppa. Tea.

192
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:32,833
Wow, that's a cool...

193
00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:35,967
Whatever it is.

194
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:41,300
Anyhoo, I was wondering
if you might do me a wee favour.

195
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:43,633
Probably not.
What do you want?

196
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:47,900
Well, silly thing.
You know the way you have boobs?

197
00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:53,067
Put Padraic's lunch money
on Patooties to win,

198
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:55,100
Codology in second,
and Nickelback third.

199
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:56,667
Ooh, that does not look good.

200
00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:59,233
Oh, is that your banjo?

201
00:11:59,267 --> 00:12:00,833
-What?
- Oh, it's such a fun instrument.

202
00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:02,900
I've always
wanted to have a go. - Not now, Sean.

203
00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:04,400
I want to hear
what Trisha says.

204
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,267
Who do you think you are,
you perv?

205
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:08,900
Asking to feel my?
Well, guess what face?

206
00:12:08,933 --> 00:12:10,267
The only part of
me you'll ever feel

207
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:13,067
is my foot kicking you up
the hole.

208
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,067
Got that?
You little.

209
00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:21,867
All right.
Come on. Sort that shit out.

210
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:26,300
Sorry about that. Take two.

211
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:29,433
So, let's talk about my sister
Sinead instead.

212
00:12:29,467 --> 00:12:32,700
What are your general feelings
about back acne?

213
00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:35,200
I think I'm in...

214
00:12:35,233 --> 00:12:37,600
Oh, sorry, my mistake.
He loves her.

215
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,667
Sinead! Please!

216
00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:56,067
- What?
-Liam?

217
00:12:56,100 --> 00:13:00,900
- You sound tense.
- Oh, Gerry! Sorry, no, it's just the...

218
00:13:00,933 --> 00:13:03,067
- Kids?
- Yeah.

219
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:07,267
Listen, I was just thinking
that you might like to pop along to our poker group.

220
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,333
Tonight?

221
00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:11,500
It's a bit short notice.

222
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:16,800
-It wasn't me!
- I'll be there in an hour.

223
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:22,233
- Would she like that?
- No, I don't think she's into teddies.

224
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:25,467
- That?
- I think she's okay on staplers.

225
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,967
- That?
- Soup?

226
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:32,267
- Everyone likes soup.
- Um... Yeah, I suppose.

227
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,933
Great, give me your money.
I don't have any money.

228
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,067
But Martin knew
that a little more romance

229
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,067
might be required
to win Trisha over.

230
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:44,700
"Your fire burns bright.
Like the sun.

231
00:13:44,733 --> 00:13:47,933
"Which is incredibly hot.
Like a fire.

232
00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:50,300
"Which burns bright.
Like the sun."

233
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:53,667
Mmm. That's beautiful.
That's beautiful, Martin.

234
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:56,400
Maybe you could ruminate
on her appearance a little more?

235
00:13:56,433 --> 00:13:58,300
Read back what you've got.

236
00:13:58,333 --> 00:14:03,500
"I love your mousy hair,
like a beautiful mouse.

237
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:06,667
"And your pale,
blemished skin.

238
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:11,100
"And your scent.
You smell even nicer than..."

239
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:15,233
- Crisps.
- "Crisps."

240
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,200
I smell like crisps?

241
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:22,567
- Nicer than crisps.
- Is Declan in the special class?

242
00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:25,500
And he got you this as well.

243
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:30,267
- Soup?
- The thinking man's tea.

244
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:34,400
Oh, wait, is this a piss-take
of love letters and stuff?

245
00:14:34,433 --> 00:14:39,333
Is he trying to be
ironic or something? - Yeah, obviously.

246
00:14:39,367 --> 00:14:43,733
Hmm. That's kind
of funny. I suppose.

247
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:46,267
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I love being a father

248
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,733
but I've given so
much of myself...

249
00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:48,967
Yeah.

250
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,200
That I don't even recognise
the parts that are left.

251
00:14:51,233 --> 00:14:53,900
Yeah. Like what Liam was
saying about the window in his workshop.

252
00:14:53,933 --> 00:14:57,133
You can fix it.
But who fixes you? -

253
00:14:57,167 --> 00:15:01,067
And they're so
feckin' dirty. -

254
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:04,367
My Declan washes his
feet in the toilet. Just because he can.

255
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,600
- Little bastard.
- Right.

256
00:15:07,567 --> 00:15:08,700
Well, lads, I gotta say,

257
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:12,800
that this little gathering
has been very, cathartic,

258
00:15:12,833 --> 00:15:15,533
but I have to
admit something here.

259
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:22,900
I don't know how
to say this but... - Go on, Liam. Be Dad, not sad.

260
00:15:22,933 --> 00:15:25,067
I don't actually
know how to play poker.

261
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:32,300
Worry not, Liam.
None of us do.

262
00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:35,133
- But I thought this was...
- I think you know what this is.

263
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,233
I don't even own
a deck of cards.

264
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:52,067
Well, this is pleasant.

265
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:01,867
Come here, ducks.

266
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:07,600
You're feeding the ducks?

267
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,667
Yeah, Martin said
you like feeding them.

268
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:13,067
When I was about 10.
I don't feed the ducks any more.

269
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:19,267
Of course not.
Feck off, ducks!

270
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:22,067
What's he
waiting for? Go on, man, lunge! Lunge!

271
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,967
That's it.
Kiss her. Kiss her good. Shift my sister.

272
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,067
Deadly.

273
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:39,200
So, how did it go, little one?

274
00:16:39,233 --> 00:16:42,867
He kisses like
a washing machine. - A washing machine?

275
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:47,233
Oh, he's so amazing, isn't he?
How about a proper date next?

276
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:49,867
- To the pictures? We'll pay.
- "We?"

277
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:54,067
I mean, us men.
In this case, him.

278
00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:56,700
What's on?

279
00:16:56,733 --> 00:17:00,100
Oh, it's about
a fella called Edward. With scissor hands.

280
00:17:00,133 --> 00:17:03,200
- Like Freddy Krueger?
- Yeah, it's a sequel.

281
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:06,933
So, listen,
once you've, you know...

282
00:17:06,967 --> 00:17:09,367
You'll keep your
side of the bargain? - Fear not, Moone.

283
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,067
Once a tit's been cupped,
I can interrupt.

284
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:14,133
Oh, and keep kissing her
like a washing machine.

285
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,133
- I think she likes that.
- Sound.

286
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:18,133
I'll let you know
the boobie outcome anon.

287
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,233
Stay tarty, Marty.

288
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,067
Washing machine, huh?

289
00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:33,067
Moone! Shifting yourself now?
Did you run out of dead sparrows?

290
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:35,533
Stop! I'm too busy
to fight just right now,

291
00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:38,100
but I'll fight yous tonight,
outside the cinema.

292
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:40,633
- It's a date, Moone.
- But not in a gay way.

293
00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:54,200
- How are you lads?
-Hey!

294
00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:55,633
How are you, Liam?

295
00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:58,733
Did you forget your
fishing rod?

296
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:00,567
Oh, Jesus,
are we actually fishing?

297
00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:06,067
- Gotcha!
- Get that into ya.

298
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:07,767
- Thanks, Gerry.
- You're welcome.

299
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,133
Ah!

300
00:18:13,433 --> 00:18:16,933
- Ah, yeah, Jesus, this is nice.
- Magnificent, isn't it?

301
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:19,933
Queers!

302
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:22,367
Conner and Jonner Bonner,
get back here at...

303
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,400
I'm sorry, lads.

304
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:32,300
You know,
lads, I've been thinking.

305
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:34,867
Maybe we just need
to put the foot down with our kids.

306
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,700
- Shut up, Liam.
- No, he's right.

307
00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:44,167
Yeah, I mean, look at us.
We're big, beautiful men.

308
00:18:45,633 --> 00:18:47,133
We shouldn't let ourselves
be pushed around

309
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:48,967
by a bunch of
stupid little kids.

310
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:50,167
Exactly.

311
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,667
I mean, I can't even watch
my watercolouring programme

312
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:55,833
because it clashes with
Dynasty. I mean, that cannot be right, can it?

313
00:18:55,867 --> 00:18:57,067
No.

314
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:58,633
I think It's time
that we stood up and took action.

315
00:18:58,667 --> 00:18:59,667
- Yeah.
- Yeah!

316
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,500
Who's got a gun?

317
00:19:04,167 --> 00:19:07,333
Not too heavy on the eyes.
Let those puppies shine.

318
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:10,533
This is it. Yeah.

319
00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:17,400
Make yourselves at home, lads.
Would anyone like any Readybix?

320
00:19:17,433 --> 00:19:18,833
-Ooh!
- Ooh-la-la.

321
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:21,900
Hey, Liam, I didn't know
your new friends were coming over.

322
00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:23,500
Oh, yeah, they are.

323
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:26,800
We're going to watch
some watercolouring.

324
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,967
Oh, okay. How was the fishing?
Did you catch anything?

325
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:32,233
Idiot.

326
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,933
- Switch over, please.
- No, Dad. Dynasty's on.

327
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,367
- I think we'd better leave.
- No, wait, lads.

328
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,400
This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

329
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:49,067
- It's foot-down time.
- He's right.

330
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,900
We're not watching Dynasty.

331
00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:55,067
We're watching
my watercolouring programme.

332
00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:58,400
- You're so brave.
- Where's the remote?

333
00:19:58,433 --> 00:20:00,933
Dad, I need some money,
I'm going to the pictures.

334
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:04,200
- Do I look like a bank to you?
- Kinda.

335
00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:07,433
Come on,
Dad, she needs popcorn money. - Yeah, Dad. Don't be scabby.

336
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:09,900
- No! I won't take this any more!
- Go on, Liam.

337
00:20:09,933 --> 00:20:12,267
Look, I'm the man of the house.

338
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:15,100
Just like these fellas here.
We are the men.

339
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:18,533
Of the houses.

340
00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:25,533
Stop laughing! Don't laugh!
Right, you're grounded!

341
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,667
You're all grounded.

342
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:31,367
- But I'm going on a date.
- No you're not. No one's going anywhere.

343
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,467
Everyone's grounded.

344
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,133
- Mum?
- Am I grounded?

345
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:38,000
Yes, this is a lockdown.

346
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:51,033
And so in the absence
of fights or boob-feeling,

347
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:53,567
Martin returned
to the battleground of the school yard

348
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,633
as unprotected as ever.

349
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:58,433
- Hey, look, lads, a new fella.
- A new fella?

350
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,600
Yeah, a new fella.

351
00:21:02,133 --> 00:21:03,667
Hey, I'm Trevor.
What's your names?

352
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:04,733
New challenge!

353
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,067
Come on! I give you dead leg!

354
00:21:08,633 --> 00:21:10,700
Kung-fu! Kung-fu!

355
00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:13,133
I feel bad.

356
00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:15,267
Don't beat yourself
up about it, Marty.

357
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,533
Sure, it's really
Trevor's fault, for being new.

358
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:20,267
You are so right.

359
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:23,467
Hey, I know,
I'll just cheer him up afterwards.

360
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:26,833
* Nothing lifts the spirits
like a nice bowl of Readybix *

361
00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:27,967
You are so sweet.

362
00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:34,667
Hello there.

363
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:36,833
- You Mr Bonner?
- Gerry Bonner, yes, indeed.

364
00:21:36,867 --> 00:21:39,633
Look, I'm Trevor's dad,
and your two boys...

365
00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:42,100
Trevor's dad. Come on in.
We're playing charades.

366
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:44,067
Listen, I've got
a child at home crying.

367
00:21:46,267 --> 00:21:50,667
I don't know how
to play charades. - None of us do. Come on.

368
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,333
Come on, you can go in. Huh?

369
00:21:54,967 --> 00:21:56,067
Right.

370
00:22:12,067 --> 00:22:15,533
* 'Cause I was
dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

371
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:17,933
* Wait a minute,
where's me jumper?

372
00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:20,733
* Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper?

373
00:22:20,767 --> 00:22:24,100
* Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper? Oh, no *